If you only knew...

22. vegetarian. ferret owner. NY. cancer survivor. Mostly personal posts.
I post what's on my mind.
I once feared death. It is said that death begins with the absence of life. And life begins when death is no longer feared. I have stared death in the face and survived
 Whale Song by Cheryl Kaye Tardiff (via oldbrittieslifeasiknowit)


My back was starting to hurt today at lunch but then I went on a walk after dinner and OMG! it is full blown hurting.

More activity does equal more pain. It doesn’t hurt during the activity but after it hurts like a mother. I have to lay completely flat when it hurts. I have to get off the puter because my head is propped up a little and it is not helping matters.

30 Day Gratitude Photo Challenge: Artwork- I made this on Monday. The color orange because of Leukemia and because you gotta have hope when fighting for your life. I’m thankful everyday that im alive even through i struggle at times.

Ugh, I was at the doctors office and I yawned. The receptionist asked,” are we were keeping you up? You’re too young to be tired at 3pm.” Luckily my mom was there and I just walked away.

I hate that my fatigue symptoms mimic the symptoms of a drunk person. Slurring and staggered walking

Officer, I swear I’m not drunk. My fatigue is just kicking in.

30 Day Gratitude Photo Challenge: Happiness

This picture was taken right before seeing Gabriel Iglesias. I love Fluffy and I love to laugh. I am seeing him again this year. I am thankful for comedians that make me laugh. Laughter is the number one medicine. I am so happy to see him again. I can’t wait for September.

30 Day Gratitude Photo Challenge: Smile

I am grateful for my smile! In 2005, you could not see my smile. The gums of my teeth covered all of the white enamel. Every chance I get, I show off my smile.

While cleaning out my closet, I found this beauty.

It was on my way back from my Make-a-Wish in disneyworld.
I begged my mom for a weave cuz I didn’t want to go with short short hair.

I was so weak for my make-a-wish, I don’t remember it. I do remember that I wanted to see a show but they only had stairs to see it and I was in a wheelchair. I started crying and then my mom bought me an ET doll after.

My oncologist said,” its a vicious cycle you’re in” Then he started getting defensive like I was blaming him.

"You needed the chemo because of the Cancer. The chemo caused the atrophy which caused the ataxia which caused the bursitis. The bursitis will keep coming unless you fix the ataxia but once the brain is dead you can’t fix it." more or less what he was saying

So the only thing they can do is make me comfortable for this ride on the vicious cycle.

He is doing a series of blood tests to check my cbc, chemistry, and to check if I have deficiencies.

A girl in the cancer ward, commented on my wheelchair :)

I don’t know why this keeps popping into my head. Maybe I just need to get it out.

My freshman year of high school, I fell out of a parked SUV and injured my shoulder. (I later found out it was due to the cancer)

The first day at school without the sling and I get accused of stealing.
This mother tapped me on the shoulder asking to see my backpack. I said,” Why?” and she started unzipping it. She then accused me of stealing her daughter’s backpack. I told her to stop and she yanked it from me. We yanked it back and forth before I finally ran away from her. I ran to the nearest classroom where the teacher knew me and told him the situation as I was crying.

He called the campus police and escorted me to the office. They asked me questions and wouldn’t release me or my backpack until the woman came. I had to call my mom to pick me up and to verify that was my backpack.

I became traumatized. I couldn’t walk the halls without thinking someone was following me and I’d see her van everywhere.

The school didn’t want to deal with the issue because we felt like it was a racial issue. The lady wouldn’t say sorry or anything. We later found out that it wasn’t even the same color of backpack.

I left that school after that incident and months later, I got cancer.


do not read old chat logs of someone you used to be close to do not read old chat logs of someone you used to be close to do not read old chat logs of someone you used to be close to

(via meowmeoow)


YEAAAH. Live out your destiny guys .____.

(via jemoess)

is anyone else sensitive to smells? even ‘good’ smells?

It is a trigger for my asthma but ever since the cancer, I can’t stand good smells. Perfumes, candles, incense, scented things. The detergent aisle of a store is like the death of me, to get through that aisle I have to put my nose in my shirt. I prefer freshness, natural smells.

I am bringing this up because I went to wash my hair and I accidently used my mom’s conditioner which is scented. I put Apple Cider Vinegar to remove the scent but it was torture.

So, is anyone sensitive to smells? I know when I was in the hospital they said I had the sense of a pregnant woman. I know most people hate bad smells but have never met someone like me. ‘Good’ smells? sensitive nose?

CVS pharmacy

You know you are a spoonie when the pharmacy writes you notes.